By Dr. Abdul Wadud Nafis, LC., MEI
Marriage is not merely the union of two individuals, but also the unification of two families, two mindsets, and two life paths converging towards a single goal: building a household blessed by Allah SWT. For santri—those nurtured in Islamic boarding schools enriched with religious values—choosing a life partner is not a trivial matter that can be based on feelings alone.
Amidst the current of modernity that often blurs the line between love and lust, santri represent a generation that safeguards purity, character, and life principles guided by the Qur’an and Sunnah. They are taught not only to look for someone attractive to the eyes, but for someone who brings peace to the heart, shares the same vision, and walks hand in hand towards paradise.
So, what are the strategies used by santri to choose the ideal spouse? What values guide their decisions? And how does Islam provide direction so that marriage is not only beautiful at the start, but also full of blessings until the end?
Below is a broader and deeper discussion of the santri’s strategies in choosing an ideal spouse, complete with Qur’anic verses and Hadiths with Arabic text. This is presented in well-structured Indonesian for academic writing, religious lectures, or general education purposes:
- 1. Prioritizing Religion (Dîn) as the Main Standard
In Islam, religion is the fundamental criterion in choosing a spouse. A santri raised in a pesantren environment is taught that faith and obedience to Allah are the main pillars in building a sakinah (serene) family.
Hadith Evidence:
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ ﷺ:
“تُنْكَحُ الْمَرْأَةُ لِأَرْبَعٍ: لِمَالِهَا، وَلِحَسَبِهَا، وَلِجَمَالِهَا، وَلِدِينِهَا، فَاظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ.”
“A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. So choose the religious one, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”
(HR. Bukhari no. 5090 and Muslim no. 1466)
In this regard, santri do not merely seek a beautiful or wealthy partner, but one who is salih/salihah (pious) and understands religious values.
- 2. Considering Morals and Personality
Religion without good character is dry. A potential spouse must demonstrate the fruits of faith in daily life.
Hadith Evidence:
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ ﷺ قَالَ:
“إِذَا جَاءَكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ دِينَهُ وَخُلُقَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ…”
“When someone comes to you whose religion and character you are pleased with, then marry him (to your daughter).”
(HR. Tirmidhi no. 1084, Hasan)
Santri emphasize morals because family life is not only about knowledge, but also about manners and patience.
- 3. Following the Sharia-Compliant Ta’aruf Process
Santri are taught to maintain the purity of relationships before marriage. They opt for ta’aruf (formal introduction) in line with Islamic law—avoiding free dating and upholding decorum and transparency.
Qur’anic Verse:
وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَى إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا
“And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.”
(QS. Al-Isra: 32)
Ta’aruf provides a respectful and safe method for mutual understanding, often involving parents or teachers to ensure integrity and modesty.
- 4. Consulting Parents, Teachers, or Kyai (Islamic Scholars)
Santri typically consult their parents and spiritual mentors (kyai/ustadz) in choosing a spouse, reflecting Islam’s principle of shura (consultation).
Qur’anic Verse:
وَشَاوِرْهُمْ فِي الْأَمْرِ
“And consult them in matters.”
(QS. Ali Imran: 159)
Parental approval and spiritual guidance are seen as sources of blessing in building an Islamic household.
- 5. Performing Istikharah Prayer and Seeking Divine Guidance
Santri are taught to entrust final decisions to Allah through salat al-istikharah.
Hadith of Istikharah:
عَنْ جَابِرٍ قَالَ:
“كَانَ رَسُولُ اللهِ ﷺ يُعَلِّمُنَا الِاسْتِخَارَةَ فِي الأُمُورِ كُلِّهَا كَمَا يُعَلِّمُنَا السُّورَةَ مِنَ الْقُرْآنِ…”
“The Messenger of Allah ﷺ used to teach us to perform Istikharah in all matters, just as he would teach us a chapter from the Qur’an…”
(HR. Bukhari no. 1162)
Prayer and istikharah help ensure that the santri makes decisions based on faith and trust in Allah.
- 6. Evaluating Mental Readiness and Responsibility
Santri are also taught that marriage is a major responsibility, not just a ritual. Emotional maturity, financial stability, and readiness to fulfill marital roles are essential.
Hadith Evidence:
“يَا مَعْشَرَ الشَّبَابِ، مَنْ اسْتَطَاعَ مِنْكُمُ الْبَاءَةَ فَلْيَتَزَوَّجْ…”
“O young men, whoever among you is able (physically and financially) to marry, let him marry…”
(HR. Bukhari no. 5065 and Muslim no. 1400)
Conclusion
Choosing a spouse is no light matter, especially for a santri equipped with religious knowledge and noble character. In their journey, santri rely not only on love or attraction, but also on faith, character, and Islamic guidelines as their foundation. They adopt ta’aruf as an honorable path, seek counsel from teachers and parents, and perform istikharah to receive divine guidance.
Through a structured approach grounded in Islamic values, a santri does not merely aim for a life companion in this world, but a fellow traveler toward paradise. Indeed, for a santri, marriage is not just a physical contract, but a sacred covenant framed in faith and piety.
May every santri and Muslim embarking on the path to marriage be granted divine guidance, peace of heart, and steadfastness in choosing the ideal spouse according to Islamic teachings—so they may build families filled with serenity (sakinah), love (mawaddah), and mercy (rahmah).
References:
- The Noble Qur’an. (n.d.). Qur’an and its Translation. Jakarta: Ministry of Religious Affairs, Republic of Indonesia.
- Al-Mubarakfuri, S. R. (2001). Tuhfatul Ahwadzi bi Sharh Jami’ at-Tirmidhi. Beirut: Dar al-Kutub al-Ilmiyyah.
- Al-Nawawi, Y. bin S. (2005). Sharh Sahih Muslim (Transl.). Riyadh: Darussalam.
- Bukhari, M. bin I. (2001). Sahih al-Bukhari. Beirut: Dar Ibn Kathir.
- Muslim, H. bin H. (2001). Sahih Muslim. Beirut: Dar Ihya’ al-Turath al-‘Arabi.
- Qardhawi, Y. (1997). Contemporary Fatwas (Vol. 2). Jakarta: Gema Insani.
- Sabiq, S. (2003). Fiqh as-Sunnah (Transl.). Bandung: Al-Ma’arif.
- Editorial Team. (2010). Etiquette of Choosing a Spouse in Islam. Jakarta: Pustaka Al-Kautsar.